Garments

For the month of October

Know then that the body
is merely a garment.
Go seek the wearer, not the cloak.

Rumi

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I put on a shirt this morning. One pleated in the back to comfortably fit my narrow shoulders. Shoulders that are narrow because I do not sit straight. My back has been curved for most of my life. This is just a fact – something I have adapted to along the way.

I have spent a lot of my life adapting - adjusting over the years to changes in my body. It is part of living with a disability, dare I say – it is a part of living. Every day, I have a choice – to wake up with a sense of ownership or a sense of frustration as I prepare for my day. For almost 70 years, I have balanced ownership and frustration. No reason to fight it – and certainly no interest in feeling sorry for myself.

But there are times when a sense of loss washes over like a wave. I met that wave this morning, grieving my unexpected losses.

It was as I put on a shirt.

One that used to fit comfortably. In a second, I felt a longing for my body of the past. Clearly our bodies change over time. Aging has its own way of sculpting and re-sculpting. Yet when these changes include two mastectomies, it requires a certain type of adjusting - a more practiced way of ownership. This ownership takes courage.

A lot of courage.

There is work in facing a truth each day, or as in October, a whole month of breast cancer reminders. My truth, a part of my body has drastically changed. Some days, it takes more work than others, but each time a decision is made to take a step forward and forge ahead.

I have always looked at my future through the eyes of possibility. Seldom have I faced an obstacle that did not have an alternate path. This is the way I have lived and live today. Each morning, I know at my core that the mirror before me reflects a whole person. Physically altered by surgeries and age, but whole.

So I try to be gentle with myself when I meet the sunrise with the feeling of sadness and loss. Life is not a race to avoid oneself, and there are moments when it is important to pause.

This body, my garment, has needed patching. The words from Rumi instruct from without and within. As the ‘wearer‘, I am grateful to understand the difference between being a whole body and being a whole person.

Gratitude that can often change the course of a day.