“Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.”
Hermann Hesse. Siddhartha.
… a sanctuary to which you can retreat…
I was returning as a junior at the University of Colorado in Boulder.
I had been in an accident that required a semester off for full recovery. The accident involved a city bus with a wheelchair ramp that broke down, throwing me onto the sidewalk, where I hit my head - twice. (There is much more to the accident story, which will be shared in another post, but for now, suffice it to say the incident and the recovery felt like a small earthquake.)
As the dust settled from my injury, my interest in life’s meaning and purpose became more focused. Before the accident, I'd moved away from the Christian tradition. Growing up in the Episcopal Church, my father was an Episcopal priest, which made me a proud PK! But as time went on, I drifted from the church, needing a break from its tradition and theology. Everything felt so absolute - black and white - when I was learning by experience that most of life was lived in the gray.
I spent four good months after my accident practicing writing skills and learning to read again. My books of choice were familiar from childhood such as CS Lewis’, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
When I returned to school, I was drawn to classes in philosophy and religion. An interesting precursor to my call and vocation as an Episcopal priest!
Hermann Hesse soon became one of my favorite authors. His work focused on a person's efforts to discover their essential spirit. He often shared his thoughts through stories, leading readers, like me, through a maze that just might lead to discovering something new about oneself.
Throughout the turmoil of my recovery, Hesse and other philosophers offered a tangible way for me to try and settle into stillness. This wasn't always easy as my anxiety was high from the accident and any amount of focus was a challenge due to my head injury. To this day, I look back amazed that I was drawn to philosophy. Working to unscramble my mind from a high-risk concussion, philosophy might not have been advised by many experts in the world of medicine. But I was determined.
The more I read, the more I longed to find a place to settle. My brain often felt scrambled, thoughts shooting from one place to another. I longed for a sanctuary.
The University of Colorado has a beautiful campus. There are nooks and crannies everywhere, and when found, they can surround you with the warm native slate used for much of the school’s architecture, and beautiful views of rolling hills and majestic mountains.
One day, I discovered a small enclosed area tucked between buildings. This space, which seemed like a garden, housed the Mary Rippon Outdoor Theatre, a theater known for the annual Shakespeare Festival every summer to this day.
During the school year, it was a quiet, peaceful place that drew me back again and again – a sanctuary. I finished Hermann Hesse’s, Siddhartha, in that garden-like area. In some ways, it was much like the garden where Siddhartha pondered his own life (a little poetic license).
I have learned from and experienced many sanctuaries since those long months of recovery. From large cathedrals, simple outdoor chapels, certain overlooks on mountain trails such as the Appalachian (which I've only experienced through friends’ stories and pictures), and even in front of a monitor with others as we worshipped during Covid, I’ve discovered that sanctuaries are filled with an air of the sacred. Sacred because they hold a history of presence. Whether for a petition or seeking solace, for celebration or to experience the vast wonder of nature, many people come to these places - years of intentional presence can fill even the largest spaces with a spirit of awe and belonging.
Following my first semester back in school, I had to take another semester off. Recovery took time and patience! Throughout that second semester off, the impact of what I had begun to understand carried through.
My course of study and life's vocation would move in a different direction after the accident and my search for meaning. In that small garden space tucked between buildings at the University of Colorado, I learned something about the importance of sanctuary for myself. A valuable lesson for the years to follow.
I love this post, Carrie. I moved here to NC straight from my time at CU Boulder and I know the spot you talk about. Thanks for sharing about your journey.
I so resonate with finding places of sanctuary. For me, it is the Well of Mercy, in Harmony, NC